K-Swiss Blades by Kenny Powers

Announcer: And now, the CEO of K-Swiss, Kenneth Powers.

Kenny Powers: Woohoo, yeah, Kenny-f*cking-Powers, c'mon raise it up, woo, come on, there you go, comin’ at ya, let me here f*cking more, alright, cool. Ok, ok, ok SHUT THE F*CK UP.

I have a dream. A wet dream. And today, you get the pleasure of witnessing my dream come true. The way I see it, there’s three things an athlete needs to succeed. Talent, strippers and most importantly, speed. Because speed is what takes an athlete to the next level. Today it’s time to unleash my greatest creation ever, my magnum-f*cking-opus - Blades!

Witness and behold the world’s most advanced running shoe. He’s doing the running man, get it? It’s hilarious. Look how nimble he is. Ok, running man that’s cool, you’re overdoing it now, you’re making yourself look stupid. Get the f*ck out of here.

Now, let me give you a sneak peek into the brilliant mind of me.

Kenny Powers: Yo, word, welcome to the K-Swiss R and Double D lab, double d for development and also for huge tits. Come on in.

Cool science dog.

In order to create a shoe that will make an athlete run faster than f*ck, I not only watch how fast this cheetah runs, I watch how that motherf*cker kills. Suck it, slow-ass animal.

Wassup...

Me and my smart as hell scientists here have developed what I like to call Speed Activated Technology, run slow and the Blades will become soft and pillowy, like these awesome things. Or, flip the f*cking turbo switch, the Blades will react quickly, like a spring loaded shotgun for your f*cking p-parts. Nice work d*ckheads.

Next level technology like this doesn’t mean jack-sh*t if it doesn’t translate to peak performance on game day. That’s why I enlisted the help of all-pro linebacker Patrick Willis, see if he can run this motherf*cker through some tests.

F*ck that wilderbeast up!

Patrick Willis: Aaaaarrrrrgggghhhhhhh!

Kenny Powers: Willis! That is f*cking bad-ass!

That was how I invented Blades.

(Applause)

As for the name, I got to give credit where credit is due, to a Chinese man by the name of Bruce.

Kenny Powers: Ni-ha player. You’re f*cking blowing up these days, you got like a fajillion Facebook fans.

Bruce Lee: Definitely, definitely (laughs).

Kenny Powers: Whoa, don’t get cocky on me there Kimosabi.

Bruce Lee: I meant that as a joke of course (laughs).

Kenny Powers: Alright, time for serious. Remember that time when me and you were f*cking around your dojo playing with swords and sh*t, those derelicts tried to step to us?

Bruce Lee: Violence, man.

Kenny Powers: Oh yeah that was violence. Well why you were busy tearing them a new assh*le, I saw something. You see these motherf*ckers? Those little scratches on your titties? They were the inspiration for the name, Blades.

Bruce Lee: And it’s a heck of a name, man.

Kenny Powers: Yeah no sh*t, I came up with it.

Bruce Lee: All type of knowledge ultimately means self-knowledge. Now you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup.

Kenny Powers: Ok, how about this. How about instead of doing all this poetry sh*t we just go f*ck some dudes up with this Blade, huh?

(Laughs)

(Applause)

Kenny Powers: Yep, that was me. That exchange was completely real, but all this blood, sweat and innovation doesn’t mean a goddam thing if we don’t get feet in the shoes. So we’re making Saturday morning commercials specifically for the soft little minds of children. Let’s get these kids f*cking hooked on speed!

Cartoon Guy: Alright ladies, let’s see what these Blades can do.

F*ck yeah, Blades, woo. You just sh*t your pants nerd. Blades! Woo! (Laughing) Oh sh*t dude! Run fast or die hombre! Speed! Speed! Take that f*ckers! Blades. Go buy them.

(Applause)

(Astronauts breathing)

Kenny Powers: Walking on the...f*ck...walking on the moon was the greatest thing that man had ever done...until now. I’ve basically taken all the fastest sh*t I’ve ever seen – bionic missiles, f*cking Bruce Lee, cheetahs, and I’ve combined them together to make the best shoe you’ve ever seen. You may applaud now.

(Applause)

Kenny Powers: Oh yeah. Water on the moon feels just right. What do you ladies say we take a trip to Uranus. You get it?

Announcer: BLADES.