Check out the best Kenny Powers quotes below. For Eastbound and Down Season 4 quotes, check out our new Milk Dud and Tic Tac page!


Kenny Powers:  I'm sick and tired of carrying all the weight.  The coaches and owners not giving me the sh*t I need to win.  Atlanta, you're f*cking out.  Kenny Powers is now a free agent.  Find a bar and get sh*tfaced Get me paid b*tch. 

Male Reporter:  How do you feel about playing for New York?


Kenny Powers:  You mean Jew York?  F*cking great.


Kenny Powers:  To rise above. 


Female Reporter:  Do you have any comment on the steroid allegations?


Kenny Powers:  I said I'm not on steroids!


Kenny Powers:  You boys ever tag team anybody?  Beat up any kids in your neighborhood?  When we were kids, me and your dad used to beat the sh*t out of these retard brothers that used to live down the street from us.


Cassie:  Who's named after Ms. Kate Winslet in the movie Titanic.


Kenny Powers:  Y'all named your daughter after f*cking Titanic?


Wayne:  It's Cassie's favorite movie.


Kenny Powers:  You've got to be sh*tting me.  What's his name, f*cking Shrek?


Kenny Powers:  Undaunted, I knew the game was mine to win.  Just like in life, all of my successes depend on me.  I'm the man who has the ball.  I'm the man who can throw it faster than f*ck.  So that is why I am better than everyone in the world.  Kiss my ass and suck my d*ck.  Everyone.


Kenny Powers:  April.  April.  I'm just kidding it's me. 


Principal Cutler:  So doing a lot of running, cycling, swimming.  You know all about that.


Kenny Powers:  No actually, I don't.  I play real sports.  Not trying to be the best at exercising.  This guy.


Kid 1:  When you did steroids did it make your balls shrink?


Kenny Powers:  Oh you think that's funny.  How about I show you my balls right here and you can tell me if they shrunk.  For your information, I have full sized balls.  Next question?


Kid 2:  Is it true you were in jail?


Kenny Powers:   Naw babe, rehab. 


Kid 3:  Did you hurt yourself?


Kenny Powers :  Naw, I didn't hurt myself. 


Kid 3:  Because Coach Rules said that after his back surgery he has to go to rehab.


Kenny Powers:  Oh, okay.  Yeah, I hurt myself.  I hurt my nose. 


April Buchanon:  Oh god, that's why I love you honey.


Kenny Powers:  I don't want to break up the good time here, but I just saw two boys raping a 6th grader. 


Teachers:  Oh my god.


Stevie:  Raping?


Kenny Powers :  I'm just kidding.

Stevie:  Oh, we already know each other too.


Kenny Powers :  We do?


Stevie:  Yeah, it's me Stevie, Stevie Janowski. 


Kenny Powers:  Sorry, nothing.  I've had a lot of memories in my life, and sometimes you kinda have to dump the small ones to make room for the bigger ones. 


Kenny Powers:  Alright, so let me get this straight.  So I'm going to pay for a blow job, and I've got ta pay for a god damn hotel room too.  Well, that just seems like I'm spending too much money for nothing.  I've got a house.  You can just get your ass over here.  I can just do the blow job here.  Hey, this one is done too.  You can take that as well. 


Cassie:  Thank you.


Kenny Powers:   And can I wear the Scream mask, the mask from Scream, when I do you from behind?  Hello?  Hey, Cassie your cell phone blows.


Kenny Powers:  Instantly, I regret saying that.  That was a horrible thing to say.  It's just I'm Kenny Powers, and I'm very upset with how I'm acting now.  I just have a very hard time expressing my emotions, and I can't stop from yelling.  So I am very sorry.  I don't want to offend you Wayne.  You have f*cking pissed me off, but I'm just very upset right now.  So I'm going to go ahead and go, but I'm not going to stop yelling, because then that would mean I lost the fight.  So please leave a key under the mat.  I love y'all very much.  Peace out. 


Kenny Powers:  I'm going to Shabooms!


Kenny Powers:  Sure, I've been called a xenophobe, but the truth is I'm not.  I honestly just feel that America is the best country, and the other countries just aren't as good.  That used to be called patriotism. 

Kenny Powers:  Look at me I'm a f*cking icon. 


Wayne:  You're f*cking up my siding. 

Kenny Powers:  Man f*ck your siding.  God's taking a dump on my face.


Kenny Powers:  And I've got something I want to say.  All you mother f*ckers think you know who Kenny Powers is.  Well, I'm here today to tell you all don't know sh*t. 


Kenny Powers:  And the one thing a champion does not do is f*cking quit.  A true champion faces his enemies, and he conquers them. 


Principal Cutler:  Okay, maybe we should...


Kenny Powers:  Shhhh.  And that is why I am here today to tell you all.  That Kenny Powers is officially accepting the position of P.E. here at Jefferson Davis Middle School.  That is until the majors call me back up.  So let's get the teaching on.


Kenny Powers:  Now then, I think your body's awesome.  You've got great tits, but I'm a little concerned about your bill of health.  I'm going to insist upon you using some form of protection.  I've got a dental dam in the truck.  You can just grab that.


Naked Woman:  What the f*ck is a dental dam?


Kenny Powers:  It's a rubber for your mouth.  It's not that big of a deal, okay?  And besides, it's not just for my protection.  You don't know what sh*t I got either.


Kenny Powers:    A humungous part about of being a celebrity is cashing in on it.  Making sh*t loads of money, having expensive luxurious things, that way in case one day you aren't famous you can still be rich as hell and better than everyone around you.


Kenny Powers:  How much y'all give me if I slam dunk this thing into the trash can. 


Women:  Nothing, nothing.


Kenny Powers:  This is a real job.  It's not like teaching kids.  Can't get f*cked up.


Kenny Powers:  F*cker.  That's the plague of my f*cking truck.  Hold on to your dick. 


Kenny Powers:  I've blessed with many things in this life.  An arm like a damn rocket, a cock like a Burmese python, and the mind of a f*cking scientist.  People often as me, “Kenny, what are your weaknesses?  Do you have any?”  I would say that my biggest flaw, my Achilles heel, is my tireless work ethic.  A lot of people think Kenny Powers is a woman hater.  That's not true.  I love women.  Even the ugly as sh*t ones.  


Kenny Powers:  What are you looking at?


Paper Boy:  Your nice hair assh*le.


Kenny Powers:  Yeah, nice job making 3 bucks a week you dip sh*t.  Sell weed. You'll make more money. 


Kenny Powers:  Besides getting shot in the back of the head, do you know what else Abe Lincoln did?  He was a champion wrestler in high school, and I'm not making that up.


April:  Kenny what is this?  Are you messing with black market sh*t now?


Kenny Powers:  No, not black market sh*t.  Just regular market sh*t.  What you guys can sell goddam tickets to a cancer kid dance. 


Kenny Powers:  You know what.  I want this by Monday on the desk of every single pro scout in the southeast.  Alright.  F*ck the west up the butthole.  They get nothing. 


Kenny Powers:  This one coach tried to put me on a weight training program.  And I was all like you and your weights can f*ck off somewhere.  I'm not lifting that sh*t.  It's heavy.  You tell me why I need strength training when I'm strong enough to throw a goddam 100 mph pitch.   F*ck that.


Kenny Powers:  No, I'm not ready.  What'd I tell you?  I said put something nice on.  You look like a busted Daytona stripper in that sh*t. 


Traci:  F*ck you, this is my evening wear. 


Kenny Powers:  Listen, I don't want no pussy getting wet dresses for this cook out.  This needs to be a normal evening outfit that regular people would wear.  I'm walking into a f*cking hornet's nest.  Alright.  Now be my companion.  I need you to make me help them be jealous of me.  I know you're not a natural beauty, but I think with the right clothes and the right look, you could be very striking. 

Traci:  And what the f*ck do you know?


Kenny Powers:  Oh what do I know?  I know that one of us had their own personal stylist and one of us shoplifts their sh*t from Fashion Bug.  That's what I know.  Now, what else you got?


Traci:  Hold on.  Christ almighty.  Okay, this, this, this you're gonna like.  We've got this. 


Kenny Powers:  Honey, I love you.  I think you're a terrific girl, but you have clothes like a f*cking d*ckhead.

Kenny Powers:  I don't believe you've met my f*ck buddy, Traci.  She's actually a professional runway model.  She's also a very, very famous painter in France.  She has several works of fine art in hanging up in the Louvre.


Kenny Powers:  So as I was saying.  The amount of money I'll be making will hurt your parents' feelings.  Remember that class where I you all how to make it rain?  That's what I'm going to be doing every single night.  Dollar, dollar bills y'all.  Now, my replacement comes very, highly qualified.  Please, please, please don't let the fact that Ms. Carol is a lesbian put you off to her.  You know how you all think there are two kinds of lesbians.  There's the kind on Cinemax that get it on and are really hot, and there's the mean kind? Ms. Carol is neither of those. 


Kenny Powers:  There's one thing that I've learned through all my adventures and conquests.  That some people are just wired for success.  I had no choice when it came to being great.  I just am great.  I'm not trying to sound cocky or full of myself, but Kenny Powers has a sneaking suspicion that he will always be great.  Because that's just the way the sh*t works sometimes. This has been based on a true story.  The mother f*ckin' end.